Friendships are meant to uplift and support us, but what happens when someone you care about begins acting in ways that feel more hurtful than helpful? When a friend is possibly going through a tough mental health patch and starts cutting people off, being manipulative, or lashing out—it can leave you confused, hurt, and wondering how best to respond.
At SheThrives, we believe compassion and boundaries can coexist. Here’s how to recognise the signs, care for yourself, and respond with empathy.
Signs Something Might Be Going On
Not all unpleasant behaviour stems from mental health issues—but sometimes, shifts in mood or personality signal a deeper struggle. Watch for patterns like:
- Sudden withdrawal: Your friend stops replying or cuts off contact with no explanation.
- Projection: They accuse you of things that seem more reflective of their inner world.
- Manipulation: Guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail begin to surface.
- Aggression or cruelty: They become harsh, critical, or even intentionally hurtful.
These behaviours may be symptomatic of underlying issues such as depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or trauma responses. For instance, a person with untreated BPD might engage in black-and-white thinking or lash out from perceived abandonment fears (Mind UK).
Mental Health and Harmful Behaviour Aren’t the Same
While we must approach friends in distress with empathy, it's also essential to protect ourselves. Mental illness is not an excuse for abuse. Setting boundaries isn't cruel—it’s an act of care for both parties.
Dr. Thema Bryant, president of the American Psychological Association, notes that “compassion without boundaries often leads to burnout or resentment.” (APA)
How to Respond When a Friend is Hurting (and Hurting You)
- Check in—gently: Start with a caring, non-accusatory tone:
“I’ve noticed you seem overwhelmed lately, and I care about you. Is everything okay?”
This opens the door without pressuring them. - Set boundaries early: If the behaviour becomes damaging, be clear:
“I want to support you, but I can’t keep having conversations where I feel blamed or disrespected.” - Encourage support: Suggest they speak with a mental health professional. You might share a resource like Head to Health or Beyond Blue.
- Reassess your role: You can care for someone without becoming their emotional punching bag. If you're constantly managing their outbursts, it might be time to step back.
What If You Need to Let Go?
If your friend continues to hurt you and refuses to take responsibility, it’s okay to walk away. As psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab says, “Boundaries are the cure, not the punishment.” (Set Boundaries, Find Peace)
Ending a friendship can be painful, especially when mental health is involved—but staying in a damaging dynamic helps no one. Prioritising your wellbeing is not selfish. It’s necessary.
A Note on Self-Compassion
Caring for a struggling friend can trigger guilt or self-doubt. You may question whether you did enough or if you’re abandoning someone in need. But you are not responsible for fixing someone. You're responsible for showing up with integrity—and also protecting your peace.
If you’re processing the fallout from a tough friendship, speaking with a counsellor can help. Better Access in Australia offers support via GP-referred sessions with a psychologist.
Final Thoughts
Friendship isn’t always easy—but it should never come at the cost of your mental health. If you’re navigating a complex friendship with someone who may be struggling, offer kindness, but hold your boundaries. You can care about someone without enduring harm from them.
And remember: thriving includes making hard choices in honour of your own growth.