Unpacking internalised misogyny and people-pleasing
You’ve probably heard the phrase “toxic masculinity” before. It gets thrown around to describe certain behaviours—aggression, emotional suppression, dominance—that stem from outdated, harmful expectations of what it means to “be a man.”
But there’s a quieter, less talked-about counterpart: toxic femininity. It hides in plain sight. It’s praised as politeness, helpfulness, being “nice” or “well-behaved.” But beneath the surface, it’s often fuelled by internalised misogyny—a system of beliefs that encourages women to limit themselves in order to be palatable to others, especially men.
And it’s more common than you might think.
What Is Toxic Femininity?
Toxic femininity isn’t about femininity itself. There’s nothing wrong with embracing traditionally feminine qualities like empathy, softness, or nurturing. In fact, these traits can be powerful and deeply human.
Toxic femininity arises when those qualities become compulsory or performative—when women feel pressure to only be passive, agreeable, self-sacrificing, or dependent. When we twist ourselves to fit into boxes made by others, not because they serve us, but because we’ve been taught it’s the “right” way to be a woman.
It looks like:
Apologising for things that aren’t your fault
- Minimising your success to avoid making others uncomfortable
- Laughing at sexist jokes to keep the peace
- Saying yes when you mean no
- Silencing your own needs to avoid seeming “difficult”
- Dismissing your ambition as being “too much”
- Avoiding leadership roles because you don’t want to appear bossy
- These behaviours are often rewarded. You’re seen as polite. Easy to work with. Low maintenance. But over time, they chip away at your self-worth.
The Roots of Internalised Misogyny
We don’t wake up one day and decide to undervalue ourselves. Internalised misogyny is taught—through media, education, religion, family, and pop culture.
From a young age, girls are encouraged to be quiet, helpful, pretty, and emotionally available to others. They’re praised for being selfless, criticised for being assertive, and told their worth lies in how they make others feel—especially men.
A study published in Sex Roles found that women who strongly adhere to traditional gender roles are more likely to engage in behaviours that undermine their own authority, including deferring to men and avoiding conflict.
And according to The Conversation, both men and women who hold sexist beliefs are less responsive and supportive in parenting roles. These beliefs don’t just affect women—they influence how we raise future generations.
Why This Hurts Women
Toxic femininity encourages women to shrink themselves to make others more comfortable. But that shrinking comes at a cost.
- Burnout: Constantly putting others first can leave you emotionally and physically exhausted.
- Stalled careers: Playing small or staying silent often means being passed over for promotions or leadership roles.
- Strained relationships: Over-functioning in friendships or romantic relationships can lead to resentment and imbalance.
- Loss of identity: When you’ve spent your life adapting to others’ expectations, it’s easy to forget who you are.
Worse still, it can fuel a cycle of judgement. Women who conform to these ideals might look down on those who don’t—labeling them “too loud,” “too assertive,” or “unlikeable.” That’s how internalised misogyny maintains control.
Signs You Might Be Caught in the Cycle
Sometimes, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. Here are a few red flags:
You’re more comfortable praising others than accepting compliments yourself.
- You prioritise harmony at all costs—even when something feels wrong.
- You worry about being seen as selfish if you take time for yourself.
- You avoid speaking up because you don’t want to appear “pushy.”
- You dismiss your own discomfort because “it wasn’t that bad.”
- If any of this resonates, you’re not alone. Many of us have been taught that survival depends on likeability, not authenticity.
What We Can Do Instead
The antidote to toxic femininity isn’t rejecting femininity altogether—it’s reclaiming choice. You get to decide what traits and behaviours serve you. You get to show up in your full complexity.
Here’s how to start untangling it:
1. Notice Where It Shows Up
Start by observing your own behaviour. Do you automatically apologise? Struggle to set boundaries? Feel guilt when you assert yourself? Awareness is the first step to change.
2. Get Comfortable with Discomfort
Unlearning people-pleasing means learning to tolerate other people’s disappointment. You are not responsible for managing everyone else’s feelings.
3. Reframe Assertiveness
Assertiveness is not aggression. Expressing your needs and taking up space isn’t rude—it’s necessary. You’re allowed to be direct, decisive, and self-assured.
4. Celebrate Other Women’s Boldness
Instead of judging, get curious. If a woman speaks boldly or takes charge, ask yourself: why does this make me uncomfortable? And what might I learn from her courage?
5. Talk About It
Name it with your friends, your family, your community. The more we talk openly about toxic femininity, the less power it holds.
Final Thoughts
Toxic femininity isn’t your fault. It’s a social conditioning that’s been handed down for generations. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s harmless.
At SheThrives, we believe in unlearning what no longer serves us. We believe that strength can look like softness, and kindness can coexist with boundaries. But most of all, we believe that every woman deserves the freedom to be fully herself—without apology.
If this piece resonated with you, or you’ve seen toxic femininity show up in your own life, share your thoughts in the comments or forward it to someone who might need to read it. We’re in this together.